The 2006 All-Star-less Chicago Bulls

We are in the homestretch of staff writer/chronic bed wetter Jim Cook’s look at the eleven years in-between Chicago Bulls All-Star selections.  As you will notice Jimmy is getting a little cranky so be nice to him, or leave a comment or seven…he likes that sort of thing.

In case you’ve missed any of the first seven parts (and judging by the traffic numbers you have)…

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

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It’s been a couple of days since I’ve pounded out one of these hell-shits that half of Collin’s family and maybe 3 other people actually read.  So for all 6 of you that were on the edge of their seats, getting frantic, become even less productive at work than normal, I apologize.  To make it up to you, I’m going to tell you all a story of my night.

So Quaker State and Lube is this wing joint out here in Cleveland.  Many of my (trashy) friends from Cleveland have recommended this restaurant highly.  So last week me and a coworker went and they had a lunch buffet that was fantastic.  So we talked it up and a couple of the guys from the office wanted to check it out so we had a little pow-wow at QS&L for the lunch buffet.  If any of you know me, or seen me naked if you’re a foxy lady, you know that all you can eat buffets is where I can really stretch my legs and do some damage.  And today, I did.  After putting down about 7 pounds of food, I was feeling pretty good for the rest of the day.  Anyways, I am currently doing a jumping program called Air Alert 3 http://www.snigel.nu/temp/aa3.pdf, which I am in week 9 of.  I missed my workout Monday and yesterday so I was a little behind.  Needless to say, I was dreading today’s workout like the mile run in high school.  But I get my fat ass to the gym and start my workout.  As I’m doing the workout, I’m feeling pretty good, even if I can feel all the food and Gatorade sloshing around my enlarged belly.  As I do my last set of burnouts, I realize that I’m going to finish and finish strong.  Just as I finish my last burnout, I immediately put my hands on my knees and then a low point…

I peed in my shorts.

Pissed myself.

It wasn’t a full on waterfall of pee, but it was enough.  It was enough to go through my boxers and my gym shorts.  It was enough that it was uncomfortable on my man region because I knew that it was my pee and not sweat down there.  It was enough that when I got in my car to drive home, it smelled like pee.

Now I’m posed with this dilemma, do I pack my gym shorts in my luggage for my 5.5 hour drive back from Cleveland and have my obvious pee shorts and pee boxers in the same carry-on with the non-piss clothes?  If I don’t, I would put the pee clothes in my car on its own where Barkley, my puppy, will alternate between licking the pee spot and rolling around on the pee spot.  I’m torn.  Why did I do that?  What does this humiliating story have to do with the 2005-2006 Bulls?  Well, after the playoff run the previous season, the Bulls were feeling pretty good about themselves and then they pissed themselves.  For all the great momentum the 2004-2005 team built, this year’s squad dampened it (get it?).  Let’s get tropical.

Because of the trade for with the Phoenix Suns for Luol Deng the previous year, the Bulls did not have a first rounder in the 05 draft.  Which is fine because it wasn’t all that strong of a draft anyways.  It appears they traded their second round pick as well and it got bounced around a bit but I’m too lazy to play Carmen San Diego to figure out how it got into the Utah Jazz’s hands from Houston.  I’m just happy I don’t have to write a 400 word breakdown on guys that played 60 minutes in the NBA.  Good, moving on.

Johnny Paxson was not completely quiet this off-season as he moved some big pieces and picked up some big pieces (literally and figuratively or however you spell that).  After a little tizzy where the Bulls were concerned about Eddy Curry’s heart, the physical one, not how hard he tries, things got a little messy when it came time to renegotiate his contract.  Management wanted him to submit to a DNA test and he was like “F that, I’m gonna jerk it in a towel and make my personal driver clean it up cause I’m weird like that”.  I’m not kidding, check it out for yourself.  So anyways, since Eddy would not consent to a DNA test that the Bulls mandated, they decided to trade him to the Knicks.  Since he was the leading scorer for a team that won 47 games the previous year, he was clearly the centerpiece of the deal.  Along with Curry fried rice, the Bulls shipped out Antonio Davis and their 2007 first round pick as well.  In return, the Bulls got a whole bunch of shit so try to follow.  They got Jermaine Jackson, who is one of Michael’s brothers or cousins or something, Mike “Fat” Sweetney, Tim “Lazy” Thomas, a 2007 first round pick, a 2007 second round pick, and a 2009 second round pick.  Additionally, and more valuable, the Bulls held the right to swap 2006 first round picks with the Knicks if the Knicks had a better draft spot.  Kings ransom in draft picks, bunch of jokers in players.  Just real quick FYI, Mike Sweetney weighed like 400 pounds.

 

The Bulls also signed Darius Songalia.  He was never really all that good before he came to Chicago, and didn’t really do much in Chicago so I’m not going to waste time on him.  Its 11:20, I’m tired, cut me some slack.  But that’s really all the Bulls did in the off-season.  It was nice to see them keep most of their core and let them grow.  Didn’t really work out, but whatever, we’ll figure out why in the next few sections.  If you even made it this far.

Coach

Scott Skiles.  Once again, he was hard on the young guys and it seemed to work.  Your Bulls were a very middle of the road squad, finishing 14th in offense and 16th in team defense out of 30 teams.  I think I just saw a ghost.  No joke.  It might have been Tim Floyd.

Record

Sadly, this year’s squad may have pissed themselves a little bit after their impressive season where they were a last day win away from a 2 seed in the playoffs.  They went from 47 wins down to a disappointing 41-41 record.  Yeah, its .500 but you know what they say about .500.  Like kissing your sister.  Unless you’re some of my friends.  Kissing their sisters would be like playing .900.  You know who you are.  Anyways, 41-41 was good for the 7 seed in the Eastern Conference playoffs and a date with the Miami Heat.  We’ll chat about that later.  If you even made it this far.

Longest winning streak

This number certainly could have been higher but the Bulls had to pull a rabbit out of their ass to get to .500 by winning their last six games in a row.  For all you that are stupid, their longest winning streak was 6.  Other than that, they had a couple of 4 game win streaks, but didn’t really get red hot at all through the season until the very end.  In fact, the Bulls ended the season on a 12-2 run to get themselves to .500.  Not a bad way to move into the playoffs.

 

Best win

We’re going to go with the win to kick off that 6 game win streak to end the season.  This was a huge win because the Nets won their division and the Bulls were still fighting to grab a playoff spot.  With a loss there, the Bulls would have been on a two game losing streak and probably would not have caught the fire needed to pull themselves into the playoffs.  Despite another friggin awesome game from Vince+Insanity, who scored 43 points, the Bulls were able to hold off the Nets 104-101.  Luol Deng came down with his typical end of year injury so Ben Gordon, typically the sixth man, started and scored himself 36 points while going to the free throw line an astounding 21 times.  I go to the line about 3 times a game.  Andres Nocioni showed signs of being able to put the team on his back with his dirty rugged Argentinean smelly play by scoring 20 and pulling 17 boards.  Randy Livingston had one rebound in 3 minutes for the Bulls.  I hope he was paid the minimum on his 10 day contract.

 

Longest losing streak

8.  For some reason, this team went on a big mid-season swoon.  And it wasn’t even during their circus trip when they typically pee themselves.  It was over the Christmas, Hanukah, and New Years Eve stretch.  Kinda put them in a big hole, huh?  I just had Barkley read this over to see how I’m doing on this post and he pissed on it.  Sorry, it’s not my best work.

Worst loss

Although the worst loss was a loss to the third worst team in the league, the Charlotte Bobcats (not yet owned by MJ), came to Chicago and beat the Bulls to start that 8 game losing streak, I decided to pick some other game cause I can.  Just an FYI, the Bulls only went 5-4 against the three worst teams in the league this year (Bobcats, Blazers, and Knickerbockers).  Maybe that’s why they only won half their games.  Anyways, in a loss to the Blazers on that aforementioned circus trip, there was a stat that made my lick a battery: Mike Sweetney led the Bulls in scoring with 24 points and then somehow got his fat ass up to pull down 14 rebounds.  Really?  Guy was like 599 pounds.  Now that’s a guy who loves his Quaker Steak and Lube lunch buffet.  Chris Duhon shot 1-10.  Keep shooting.  For the Blazers, Sergei Monia started and recorded 0′s all across the box score, except in the foul category.  He started but played only 5 minutes.  Why start him?  What the hell.

Best moment

Hopefully me finishing this fucking post.  I hate Collin for making me do this.  But the best moment was their playoff series against the 2 seeded Miami Heat.  Yes, this was the year the Heat won the NBA Title behind Dwyane Wade and Shaq when he was good.  In that first round series, the Bulls were able to hold their own and win 2 games, albeit both home games, but kept things respectable.  Additionally, this series showed the hot hand of Andres Nocioni and how dirty he is.  In game 1, he went for 18 and 16, 30 points on 14-16 shooting in game two, 19 and 9 in game 3, and then 20+ plus some board work in games 4-6.  I’m too lazy to list this all out.  He had a good fucking series, ok?  Plus, there was quite a bit of piss in vinegar in the series as James Posey was a pretty big dick and Kirk Hinrich was going to kick his ass.  That’s how I remember it.

Funniest player to start 25% of the games

Clearly Malik Allen.  Dude started 20 games this year.  How?  Was he really one of the best 5 guys on the Bulls for 20 games?  I don’t even know where we even got this bozo.  Anyways, he never looked like he belonged in an NBA uniform.  He looks chubby and short and slow.  Like me but I’m white.  He averaged 4.9 points per game.  I wonder if I played a full NBA season how many points per game I’d average.  I think I’d be at about 4.9 per game too.  Lord knows I’d shoot enough.

 

Other bozos on the roster

There’s a few here, I can see why they only won 41 this year.  Darius Songalia, Mike Sweetney cause he was out of the league within 3 years of being drafted and he was a top 10 pick, Eddie Basden (he’s flipping burgers these days), Luke Schenscher, James Thomas, Randy Holcomb, Randy Livingston, Stephen Graham.  Look at that list.  Some real miserable basketball players on there.

Leading scorer

Ben Gordon (16.9 ppg)

Leading rebounder

Tyson Chandler (9.0 rpg) (to go with 5.4 ppg)

Leading assists

Kirk Hinrich (6.3 apg)