An Open Letter to the Producers of HBO’s Hard Knocks

Dear HBO Producers,

For the love of all things funny can you please make the Chicago Bears your choice for the 2010 season of your hit program Hard Knocks?  Judging by last season (clearly the best to date) following around the Cincinnati Bengals you are clearly looking for a team that is going to provide not only drama but also a bit of hilarity.  Well then I say to you kind people of HBO, look no further than your 2010 Chicago Bears.

Let’s take a look at what we already know going into training camp.  First off the entire coaching staff and front office are on the hot seat.  After three dismal seasons since reaching the playoffs people are quickly getting fed up with the Lovie Smith regime.  Having the HBO cameras follow around Ted Phillips, Jerry Angelo and Lovie Smith for a few weeks could be nothing short of comedy gold.  None of those three morons are accountable for anything they do, each one of them blames the other one and usually a circle of hilarity will ensue.

Three-headed monster of stupid

Another completely awkward/funny theme for the show is that the highest draft pick that will be in camp is whoever the lucky soul is that the Bears draft in the 3^rd round.  Yep, that’s right, the figgin 3^rd round.  Thanks to the wonderful front office moves by the 3 Stooges listed above the Bears coughed up their first rounder for Jay Cutler and their second round pick for a dead guy (well cross him off the list then)…what…too soon?

Any team that is running around with three previous head NFL coaches on its roster coupled with a coach on the hot seat is destined to make good television.  Mike Tice, Rod Marinelli and Mike Martz all have to be licking their chops for a chance to get Lovie’s job.  They can say whatever they want in the media but you know behind closed doors those guys are going to be pining for that job.

Taking a closer look at the Martz situation, this is the guy who could make the entire season of Hard Knocks if you let him.  First off he and Cutler will never ever be on the same page no matter what they say.  Lest we forget what Martz said about Cutler after first Green Bay game…oh no, you forgot?  Well let me refresh your memory:

“He just doesn’t get it,” Martz said on the NFL Network telecast this past fall. “He doesn’t understand that he represents a great head coach and the rest of those players on that team. Somebody needs to talk to him.”

This is exactly how I want my OC to feel about my star QB, should create plenty of drama during the summer.  So Cutler and Martz are a no go for being all friendly, how about Martz and Lovie…um nope.  Martz is an offensive wiz (no I will not say genius) who is definitely a pass first guy, and Lovie had “we get off the bus running the football” tattooed across his chest ala Tupac’s “Thug Life” tattoo.  Okay I made that last part up but would it surprise you if it was true?  When Martz was in St. Louis running “The Greatest Show on Turf” his head coach was Dick Vermeil, who recently told ESPN 1000:

"We get off the bus running the football"...um no you don't

“He can exploit a defensive football team. The other thing is, he’s a courageous play caller. He can scare you to death when you’re on the other end of the headset.”

Can you image the first preseason game of the year and Lovie wants to get Forte some carries and Martz calls for three bombs in the first series.  We are used to seeing Lovie with that deer-in-the-head-lights look as it, can you imagine the look on his face listening to Martz’s play calling.  He is going to look like someone about to crap their pants but knowing they are 10 miles from the nearest toilet.  I can’t wait.

What the hell did he just call? Ooops I think I just crapped myself.

As for other entertaining storylines HBO would be able to follow would be the return of Brian Urlacher, I mean that guy loves the media right?  I’m sure nothing bad could come of him having a camera in his face 24/7.  How is square jaw Olsen going to deal with Martz as the OC, because typically the tight end is an after thought in a Martz offense.  Finally with the tragic death of DE Gaines Adams (yes I know I made a joke above but it really is a terrible tragedy) how does this team respond?  Do they rally around a guy who they barely knew or does it become that 900 pound elephant in the room that no one really talks about?

There you have it HBO, the Bears deserve to have this season of Hard Knocks and you know it.  Do the right thing and make it happen because the world could use a lot more of awkward Lovie Smith-face moments.

Please trade for Tank so we can watch him build bunk beds again.

Heck if all this fails we can always just resign Tank Johnson for another installment of “Tank Knocks”.

Love,

Roman Is Burning