Roman is Burning

NBC has a new show out called “I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of Here”, where they take so called “celebrities” and force them live in jungle conditions with few comforts and have to earn human essentials. The show is stupid because the people on the show aren’t even real celebrities. Um John Sally? Spencer Pratt? Patti Blagojevich? These people are not even close to celebrities; therefore I am starting my own show with basically the same premise except with sports douche bags. Here is who I am inviting to be on the first season.

Alex Rodriguez

When I watch Mean Girls, I could easily picture ARod as the gay emo friend.  He is good at baseball but awful at being someone that I’d like to hang out with.

Doug Christie

His wife had to fight for him a couple of years ago in the tunnel.  How would you feel if you were involved in a heated argument at work and your wife had to come settle the dispute for you?  Is there a bigger sissy in all of sports?  I can’t imagine his career lasting much longer after that point because I could never, under any situation, imagine anybody wanted that kind of guy working for me.  Additionally, he looked like a total douche.

Vince Young

First off, he has the biggest head of all time.  I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about him and Barry Bonds sharing hats.  Secondly, it seems like every 6 months or so we get a report about VY10 (pretty big loser nickname) doing something really humiliating.  One time it’s that he went to eat chicken wings and drink one Coors Light in the basement of his friend’s house.  He didn’t tell his mommy so she CALLED THE COPS.  He is a grown ass man.  His mom doesn’t trust VY10 enough to leave the house for a couple of hours.  He’s 6′5, 225 pounds.  There would have been some hurtful things said if my mom ever pulled a stunt like that after I passed the age of 7.  Douche.

Marian Hossa

I don’t care if I didn’t spell his name right.  Fuck him.  He left Pittsburgh to go chase a Cup with Detroit, which is fine as it should be a goal to win a championship.  But he became douchy when he decided to not participate in the Stanley Cup games that are against his former colleagues with the Penguins.  Sure, he went to the games and skated a bit but he was as effective as I would have been.  I have game tape that I can show you that will make you say “Is that you in the Goggin Arena Stanley Cup Final or is that Marian Hossa in the Stanley Cup Final?”  It’s a VHS tape.  It was fun to see him watch Pittsburgh win the Cup and make party time in front of him.

Chad Ochocinco

Let’s see here, changed his name to sell more jerseys, check.  Declined production yet still whines like he is worth a crap, check.  Got tattoos on his face (yes I know they are fake), check.  Yep he checks out as a perfect fit for I’m a Sports Douche bag, Get Me out of Here.  Listen, I like his touchdown dances and the way he played the game for the most part, but when you aren’t performing and pulling stupid crap like getting face tattoos then yes you are a douche.  Maybe he can bring his buddy T.O.

*Others in consideration for Season 2: Kevin Garnett, Brett Favre, Sidney Crosby, Ozzie Guillen, Rory Sabatini

Big thanks to Jim Cook for all his assistance with putting this piece together, his help all but assures he’ll never end up on this list.